Dubya Does Stand-Up

Following are excerpts from the president’s second inaugural address. My comments are in bold.

At this second gathering, our duties are defined not by the words I use, but by the history we have seen together. For a half-century, America defended our own freedom by standing watch on distant borders. After the shipwreck of communism came years of relative quiet, years of repose, years of sabbatical -- and then there came a day of fire.

“And then there came a day of fire?” Whoa. Dubya’s getting biblical in a hurry with this speech.

We have seen our vulnerability, and we have seen its deepest source. (It’s ignorance, right? Blind, ideological ignorance. No?) For as long as whole regions of the world simmer in resentment and tyranny -- prone to ideologies that feed hatred and excuse murder -- violence will gather, and multiply in destructive power, and cross the most defended borders and raise a mortal threat.

Forgot to mention the title of this speech: “Holy F---ing Sh!t. We’re all going to die!”

There is only one force of history that can break the reign of hatred and resentment and expose the pretensions of tyrants and reward the hopes of the decent and tolerant. And that is the force of human freedom.

You like that word “freedom”? Sure hope so. It’s in here about thirty times.

We are led, by events and common sense, to one conclusion: The survival of liberty in our land increasingly depends on the success of liberty in other lands. The best hope for peace in our world is the expansion of freedom in all the world.

Barring that. If we start a few civil wars, then they’ll all be too busy killing each other to bother coming after us.

America's vital interests and our deepest beliefs are now one. From the day of our founding, we have proclaimed that every man and woman on this Earth has rights (Well, technically, we initially proclaimed that all white men who owned land had these rights), and dignity and matchless value because they bear the image of the maker of heaven and Earth.

Quick quiz: What three-letter word doesn’t appear anywhere in the Constitution, wasn’t in the original Pledge of Allegiance, and never came near our money during the first hundred years of our country?

...

This is not primarily the task of arms, though we will defend ourselves and our friends by force of arms when necessary (Please note: If it is not necessary, then we will invade a foreign country on shaky intelligence, disposing of their leader and creating civil strife strong enough to foster the kind of hatred that makes defending ourselves by force of arms a necessity). Freedom, by its nature, must be chosen and defended by citizens and sustained by the rule of law and the protection of minorities. And when the soul of a nation finally speaks, the institutions that arise may reflect customs and traditions very different from our own.

These customs are, of course, wrong. We will crush them. Methodically and without compassion.

…

The great objective of ending tyranny is the concentrated work of generations. The difficulty of the task is no excuse for avoiding it. America's influence is not unlimited, but fortunately for the oppressed, America's influence is considerable, and we will use it confidently in freedom's cause.

I’ll give you twenty dollars if you can find any substance in that previous statement.

…

We will persistently clarify the choice before every ruler and every nation -- the moral choice between oppression, which is always wrong, and freedom, which is eternally right. America will not pretend that jailed dissidents prefer their chains (Except the enemy combatants in Cuba. They love it), or that women welcome humiliation and servitude (Though, it is true their bodies belong to the religious right) or that any human being aspires to live at the mercy of bullies (Unless the bully is us).

…

And all the allies of the United States can know: We honor your friendship, we rely on your counsel, and we depend on your help (Not really, but it sounded like a nice thing to say). Division among free nations is a primary goal of freedom's enemies. The concerted effort of free nations to promote democracy is a prelude to our enemies' defeat.

…

And as hope kindles hope, millions more will find it. By our efforts, we have lit a fire as well -- a fire in the minds of men. It warms those who feel its power, it burns those who fight its progress, and one day this untamed fire of freedom will reach the darkest corners of our world.

Again with the fire. After freedom and liberty, it appears the president is spending a lot of time discussing souls and fire. I sure hope there isn’t a connection here.

…

All Americans have witnessed this idealism and some for the first time. I ask our youngest citizens to believe the evidence of your eyes. You have seen duty and allegiance in the determined faces of our soldiers. You have seen that life is fragile, and evil is real, and courage triumphs (Coming to a theater near you this summer!). Make the choice to serve in a cause larger than your wants, larger than yourself, and in your days you will add not just to the wealth of our country but to its character.

Should you decide not to make this choice, we will start a draft and make it for you.

America has need of idealism and courage because we have essential work at home -- the unfinished work of American freedom. In a world moving toward liberty, we are determined to show the meaning and promise of liberty.

Which is why we are squelching your freedoms as fast as we can with the Patriot Act, amendments on gay marriage and reductions in women’s rights.

…

In America's ideal of freedom, the public interest depends on private character -- on integrity and tolerance toward others and the rule of conscience in our own lives. Self-government relies, in the end, on the governing of the self.

See that? That’s chiasmus, you better-educated, know-it-all liberal hacks. My speech writers know a fancy-shcmancy trick or two. Take it!

That edifice of character is built in families (except for loving gay families), supported by communities with standards (such as one divorce for every two marriages), and sustained in our national life by the truths of Sinai, the Sermon on the Mount, the words of the Koran and the varied faiths of our people. (well, actually just Christian faith, the rest is a bunch of mumbo-jumbo hooey) Americans move forward in every generation by reaffirming all that is good and true that came before -- ideals of justice and conduct that are the same yesterday (like black people counting as 3/5 a person, that’s a good example from the past), today and forever.

In America's ideal of freedom, the exercise of rights is ennobled by service and mercy and a heart for the weak. Liberty for all does not mean independence from one another. Our nation relies on men and women who look after a neighbor and surround the lost with love.

Americans, at our best, value the life we see in one another and must always remember that even the unwanted have worth (unless you’re a criminal in Texas, where I’ll fry your ass faster than a crawdad slips the lure). And our country must abandon all the habits of racism because we cannot carry the message of freedom and the baggage of bigotry at the same time.

Ahem.

…

We go forward with complete confidence in the eventual triumph of freedom. Not because history runs on the wheels of inevitability; it is human choices that move events. Not because we consider ourselves a chosen nation; God moves and chooses as he wills.

There that God guy is again. Wouldn’t it be cool if we had a way of keeping church and state separated so that religious fanaticism didn’t muddy up the process of governing? What’s that? Oh, never mind.

…

When the Declaration of Independence was first read in public and the Liberty Bell was sounded in celebration, a witness said, "It rang as if it meant something." In our time it means something still.

Actually, I believe the correct quote was “That bell sure rings funny. It sounds like it was made poorly. I wouldn’t be surprised if the thing cracks someday.”

America, in this young century, proclaims liberty throughout all the world and to all the inhabitants thereof. Renewed in our strength -- tested, but not weary -- we are ready for the greatest achievements in the history of freedom.

May God bless you, and may he watch over the United States of America.

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So there you have it. Long on proclamation, short on details. A lot of talk about freedom and God and… well, pretty much what was to be expected. There was one guy who yelled “boo” towards the end, and from the radio, it didn’t sound like people were applauding all that often. Maybe Republicans need something more childish like “flip-flop” to get excited. Who knows.

Most of my commentary was indeed childish as well. What can I say? I'm cranky about this whole business. I don't think everything Bush wants to do is bad. Social Security does need to be fixed. We do need to promote democratic ideals throughout the world. I just don't feel that the current regime's policies are the best suited to these tasks.